Thanks to my Dad for sending these to me! I hope they bring some laughs to you as well.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, leave me alone.
- Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
- No one is listening until you fart.
- Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20.00 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
- If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
- Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
- Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass, then things just keep getting worse from there.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.